Water! Earth! Fire! Air! Let’s find out what your star sign says about you!
Aries, March 21st - April 19th.
I bet you think you’re so great. I bet you just love being the ‘pick-me’ girl. The ‘I’m not like other guys’ guy. Well guess what, bitch. You are great! Confident and out-going, you’ll make it on this crazy little marble we call home! Keep doing you!
Taurus, April 20th - May 20th.
The symbol for Taurus is a bull. What does that say about you? Probably that you have a strong presence around your peers, and that you’re dedicated to your projects. Your friends are lucky to have someone like you in their life.
Gemini, May 21st - June 20th.
How’s the ADHD?
Cancer, June 21st - July 22nd.
If you’ve ever walked into a room and thought ‘something’s off’, then you’re a classic Cancer! You’ve got some tough competition though, Princess Diana was a Cancer, and Meryl Streep is too. I guess if someone’s ever like ‘what do you know, you’re a Cancer’, you could be like ‘well, Princess Diana was a Cancer’, and then they’d be like ‘oh fuck my bad’.
Leo, July 23rd - August 22nd.
Strong, fierce, agile, incredibly sharp teeth, a beautiful mane- wait no I’m describing a lion… Leo’s are like lions, right? That’s the symbol so I guess it would make sense… Is Leonardo DiCaprio a Leo?
Virgo, August 23rd - September 22nd.
Apparently Virgos are good at cooking. I can see that. Good job, guys.
Libra, September 23rd - October 22nd.
It’s my completely unbiased opinion that libras are flawless, perfect people. We- I mean they are so funny and they always make everyone laugh. You know who loves libras? Literally everyone. Your mum loves libras. It’s a shame we’re so much better than everyone else, it must be so demoralising for other people.
Scorpio, October 23rd - November 21st.
I’m scared of you.
Sagittarius, November 22 - December 21.
If you’re a Spicy Sag date me then I bet sarcasm is your second language. The last fire sign of the zodiac and represented by an archer, you’re always up for an adventure. The party goes where you go.
Capricorn, December 22 - January 19.
Hard working and ambitious. Dedicated and driven. Capricorns can do anything they put their minds to. Their symbol is really weird though. Why does that goat have a fish tail? How could that possibly work?
Aquarius, January 20 - February 18.
It’s weird that Aquarius is an air sign. AQUArius. Also, what’s it like to live in the friendzone?
Pisces, February 19 - March 20.
I can tell your outfit is insane but in a good way. Full of creativity and inspiration, Pisces have a lust for life (like Lana).
How did I do? Did I absolutely hit the nail on the head or have I just annoyed you for 5 minutes? Either way I invoked an emotion, and isn’t that what art is all about? Merry Christmas!