The Most Ballsy Shoes You Will Ever See

Are you ever wondering how to channel your inner goth vibes with a sexy, provocative twist, but you just can’t get it right? Well - have we got news for you ;). What better way to combine a dark aesthetic with playful, fun sexiness than a vegan leather platform boot with a big fat sack of testicles hanging off the side?! Try not to gonad - we got you covered.

Think: goth meets balls. Take it how you will - these platform boots can represent the balls of your husband who mysteriously passed away, leaving you hundreds of thousands of £, or they can be a fun way to show everyone you are an utterly unapologetic weirdo like us.

You may be slightly confused by these sexy beasts. You might be thinking ‘how would I style these?’ or you might even be thinking - ‘who on earth would wear these?’, so to give a little context, we will show you 5 iconic celebrities and how they would fit their aesthetics in different ways. These platform boots will elevate your look, both literally, and spiritually. Balls ahoy!

  

1: Kourtney Kardashian

Ever since getting engaged, and apparently married, to Blink- 182’s Travis Barker, this Kardashian (the funniest and our personal favourite) has embraced the darker gothic look. She loves her all-black ‘fits and leather looks - so these ball-crushers would strengthen this aesthetic even more for her, and the testicles would perfectly represent those of her former boo Scott
Disick We can see her pairing these with a tight leather outfit accompanied by 278 missed calls from Scott. RIP Skourt.

 

2: Simon from The Inbetweeners

Simon loves getting his bollocks out, as we can see here. How hot and iconic would these platforms look paired with this little mini-tuxedo number? It’s giving BDSM with
a twist. We heart the co-ordination between his balls coming out of his tight lil’ pants
and the balls on the side of the platform boots. Literally runway ready. Who would’ve thought Simon from The Inbetweeners would wear haute couture?

3: Ozzy Osbourne

Ozzy Osbourne has been a metal-head
for decades, but is better known for being absolutely mental, which is what we love to
see here at KOI. This is where these ball-
crusher platform boots come in handy. They perfectly capture his rocker essence and the platform would give the stomper effect on-stage (especially since he has a new album coming out soon - Ozzy Osbourne collab anyone?), and we feel that the balls really touch on his craziness TBH.

4&5: The Cock Destroyers

We are still pretty heartbroken about the Cock Destroyers parting ways last year, but we fully believe the pop
culture icons could be brought back together with these provocative platforms if they saw this blog. They love black, sexy leather-ness, and they love cock - what a perfect match!? Sadly, these shoes don’t actually have the full shaft on them, but the balls are second best. We can totally see these stunning sex workers wearing these platforms - so please, Sophie and Rebecca, if you’re reading this - get back together and we will send you free shoes <3.

We really showed you guys some range here to demonstrate that absolutely anybody and everybody can sport these ballsy KOI platform boots.

Whether you’re just getting into experimenting with the gothy look like Kourtney Kardashian, if you’re a fully-fledged rocker like Ozzy Osbourne, or even if you’re a full-on Cock Destroyer, these guaranteed conversation-starters will ensure you’ll have a ball wherever you wear them!

If these are a little too much for you, feel free to check out our more light-hearted ranges, like the Sugar Coated Collection and Away With The Fairies!

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